Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Running With Scissors

I am in love. There. I said it.

Being the superstitious gal that I am, I'm still not ready to shout it from the rooftops but I figure a little whispering around these parts is ok.

I have been dating this man for only a couple of months and I'm head over heels, no talking any sense to me, hopelessly, in love. He's a handsome, thirty-something doctor with a passion for music, films, cooking, photography, fatherhood, and well, me. He's also the very same just-this-close-to-officially-being-my-ex-husband of whom I've been separated from for the past year and the father of my four year old daughter.

I'll pause here for some of my readers who are near and dear to me to quickly make their way to the nearest exit. Do not read any further if you suddenly feel compelled to do any of the following:

*roll your eyes so far back in your head that there's a danger of losing them
*utter any of the following: WTH?! WTF?! I love lu, but OMG, what *is* the matter with her?!
*mentally compile a list of people to call to form an intervention
*follow through with K's earlier proposal of borrowing a large tractor to plow down S

Wow, it sure got quiet around here all of a sudden. Is there anybody out there still with me? Anybody?.......................................................

Here's the thing. I should know better. I have had my heart stomped on, chewed up and spit out, in short, broken enough times that I ought to just adopt the first of many, many cats and call it a day. So how did he manage to turn down my cynicism (born from repeated betrayals over the course of our seven year relationship) low enough for me to hear what my heart was ever so softly humming? In a word, therapy. Lots of it. His and mine. I won't bore you with the details but suffice it to say that we are both very fortunate to have found competent and compassionate people to accompany us on our journey to becoming healthier, happier people.

To be sure, he had the advantage of knowing who the man of my dreams was and was able to rescue him from the dark and ugly place he had been imprisoned. He arrived with all the romance, sensitivity, sensuality, intelligence, tenderness, compassion, and creativity that I remembered from long ago, yet, he is not the same. He is strong, confident, self aware, humble, passionate, and most of all, honest. Honest about his past, his fears, his weakness--he's able to trust that I will embrace the whole of him and that I won't kick him when he's down.

With his new found health come new and wonderful surprises--- the chivalry I longed for, the ability to laugh, and the desire to love and be loved.

I hear a lot of "I can't believe you are giving him *another* chance" and that's ok. After a ten month long separation where a good 90 percent of the time I was sure I was doing the right thing, there are days I can't believe it either.

I have absolutely no regrets. When I left it was because, ironic as it seems now, that S finally gave me what I pleaded for all along...honesty. He was honest about the fact that he was not ready and/or willing to accept that his behavior was destroying his life and ours. He did not feel that he could get healthy in the context of our relationship. I left because S was not ready to fight. I see that he is now. I believe in him and as long as he continues to be honest and open with me about where he's at, I'll be by his side.

All I know is that it feels right. Right in a way it has never been before. It feels good. I am happy.

If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be too cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down. -Annie Dillard


Anonymous Anonymous said...



1:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

man you made me laugh really hard at the stuff I can't say! I love you soooooooooo much lu! We all just want you to be happy, and I am very happy that you are happy.

still coming for a visit?

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, shoot, sugarpie. I was totally all over the intervention, so we'd have a chance to all be together again. You're such a party-pooper.

Nonetheless, we love you, and if you are in love, I'm happy for you.

Steph and I would like to request a girls only spa weekend in Calistoga, if S is truly serious about winning you back. (Joking. Sort of. Hee!)

xoxo Jenny

3:24 PM  
Blogger Snidget said...

What a great quote at the end.

And you are right.. you know.. the heart and mind are NEVER in agreement, but you hve to choose to listen to one.

Good luck lu. If you both are willing to work on it, then that is all that matters. Because that's what it takes. Work and honesty.

9:41 AM  
Blogger annette said...

Good luck! and Congratulations.

2:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am blown away. I had no idea!

I want you to be happy! I truly hope that you are.


11:30 PM  

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