Tuesday, December 28, 2004

So, I have this *ahem* friend.....

Yeehaw! My therapist is in Colorado and I'm on my own. Buckle up, baybee! Oh, so about my friend...she's been separated from her husband for about 10 months now with absolutely no regrets. Felt sure she was making the right decision as they had shared a very bumpy ride over the five plus years they shared with his repeated infidelities topping the lengthy list of reasons why their marriage fell apart.

It was the week before Thanksgiving when he shocked her with his confession of still being madly in love with her and asking her to consider the fact that he is a changed person. He's sent her gorgeous flowers, serenaded her (uh, that was weird), made her dinner, painted beautiful pictures of a future together, bought her a car, promised her fabulous trips, granted her time and space, expressed his newfound devotion to her, etc. etc. I just don't know what to tell her. Part of me thinks that now that she's found herself, really digs herself, that she beleives he sees that too. How could he not be in love with her? That she is so freakin awesome that he would be crazy to, having been given the opportunity to be loved by her, ever even think of cheating again. I'm guessing that the holidays played into her decision making as well. This would have been a very difficult time...the first year spending Christmas as a single mama with two daughters while all the while being surrounded by images of happy, whole families.

As it stands now, they have decided to continue to visit their individual therapists as well as see someone together....couple's counseling. As they stumble back into being a couple, they have haphazardly resumed a sexual relationship. She says there's no fireworks there but hopes thats because it will take lots more time to build trust and intimacy. I'm not so sure.

See, during the separation, she was seeing this friend of hers for a couple of months and the sex was phenomenal. She craved him, he knew how to kiss her, touch her, he wanted her in his arms all night...had to be touching some part of her body while he slept, he was so into her, in a way she could very much recognize. Sex with her ex is not like that and really never was. When he kisses her, there's nothing stirring inside. She wonders if maybe the sex with her husband just wasn't that exciting because, well, he was her husband. All couples get to a place where (especially with kids) they would trade a night of sex for a full eight hours of sleep, right?

The plan is that they will continue to live separately but spend weekends together as a family and carve out niches of time to spend as a couple. She has been promised the best of both worlds....she can have her cake (OK, more like cupcake for those of you who are privy to the inside joke) and eat it too. There is talk of trips to Disneyworld, Hawaii, vacations to CA to visit old friends, and more financial security than she could ever imagine. The only thing she will be giving up in her current lifestyle is dating. And well, frankly, she was never too excited about dating anyway, BUT, well, that brings us to my friend's dilemna in the very much here and now...meaning this week while she's left to her own devices....

She felt she had to do the right thing and be honest with her friend about what was going on. He, as always, was very supportive and wants nothing but her happiness. They haven't seen one another for the past five weeks. She's having a really hard time not calling him right now. She finds herself wishing that they could have one last night of fabulous sex....assuming he would agree to that and that she would somehow find it ok to cheat--because she would be cheating, right? I told her that it doesn't somehow wash that because her ex cheated on her, she could do the same.


She says she doesn't really know what to think...what to hope for...what she really even wants. She's happy for the week or so she's been afforded (her ex is visiting family and has taken her kids along. She's obviously feeling really conflicted...confused, scared, and by indulging in fantasies of calling her friend, I believe that on some level she might be trying to intentionally sabatoge any hopes of a true reconciliation with her ex.

1 Comments:

Blogger Betsy said...

Okay. I am very clearly coming in here as the bad angel. Let me get that stated right up front here.

That said, call the other guy. Get it out of your system, for once and for all. Or - find out if you can live without sex like that.

See, I'm skeptical when you say you can 'get it back' with the husband type. Or maybe it was because *we* tried to get it back and never did, and it was part of that missing glue that let us dissolve away from each other in the end. It was glue that we both convinced ourselves we could live without - because, after all, didn't everyone else? (And yes, many people do.)

Well, not everyone else does - live without the glue, that is. Or, at least they have more to fill in the gaps and that's the only missing part (she theorizes, anyway.)

I don't think you're trying to deliberately sabotage things, by the way. You're looking at all of your options, is all...

8:37 PM  

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