Thursday, December 30, 2004

I need a long, hot shower...

Over the last couple of chicklet free days I have watched several grown up films:

Laurel Canyon
Kill Bill Volumes I & II
The United States Of Leland
Training Day

All of these left me feeling like I needed to lather up good and rinse with a good dose of the Wiggles or something to the equivalent.

I need a hug.

Ms Goody-Goody Two Shoes

Around midnight last night, my angel demurely removed her halo and proceeded to kick my devils ass. It was fierce!

I dialed up the want-you-back-so-bad-and-will-stop-at-nothing-to-win-your-heart husband and we talked for a good two hours. Among many other things, I told him I was feeling lonely, scared, restless and, well, frisky and that I was very tempted to call my pal. We talked about what I see as a lack of sexual chemistry between us and he was able to take me back to a time where I was able to remember when his kisses made me weak in the knees. We both acknowledge how fabulous it is to be able to completely abandon your role as mommy or daddy (as we have been afforded during our separation) and share a night/morning with someone who wants nothing more than to rock your world. That being said, I believe that he (finally!) and I are on the same page. We both want what he describes as a connection on a deeper level. Niether of us is willing to relinquish mind blowing sex and so that means we, like every other married with kidlets couple we know, will have to get creative and find ways to take off our mommy and daddy hats long enough to- well, in short, make it about us.

I figured out some time ago that junk food sex wasn't really for me and that although my friend is awesome in bed, there was little else going on between us... it wasn't until last night that I was finally able to admit that I am a junkie. My pal was a quick fix, a band-aid, a rush, a high, a space filler, a low risk recreational drug. So it follows that it's no surprise that I would find myself fighting the urge to call him up on the heels of spending a whirlwind month with my ex. Until these last few days, I have had little time to stop and catch my ask myself what I'm doing, what I want, does this feel good?

It's been extremely difficult to set aside my cynicism, some would argue, common sense, (insert image of me here, covering both ears and loudly sing-songing la-la-la-la-la...I can't hear you) long enough to believe that a committed relationship built on trust and intimacy with this man is indeed possible. Our past points to a big fat NO but there *is* something different about him. It's intriguing enough for me to want to get back on the ride albeit with a helmet and a seatbelt this time. Did I mention that I'm scared out of my wits? I am going to hold on for dear life but keep my eyes wide open and I am *not* going to call my pusher to somehow anesthetize the whole experience.

Anyway, turns out that honesty is incredibly sexy and I'm still way hot even in flannel pj's. Oh and my angel, in all her glory, has dusted off her wings, donned her halo once again and is keeping the devil's horns as an, uh, souvenir.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

102 Hours and Counting....

Why oh why is it always so much harder to be good rather than bad?

*Nice-- Have not called the friend

*Naughty-- Have not decided what I will do if he happens to call me within the next 102 hours

*Nice-- Removed fire engine red polish from my toes

*Naughty-- I still have two bottles

*Nice-- Decided a mini workout might relieve my excessive sexual energy

*Naughty-- Put on sexy music and danced in front of the mirror...also, ignored the reminder that exercise releases all those damn endorphins

*Nice-- Talked to my husband on the phone last night and said my "me too's" in response to all his I miss you's and Can't wait to see you

*Naughty-- Slept in my black underwear

*Nice-- Slept alone

*Naughty-- Fantasized about *not* sleeping alone

*Nice-- Will bury black underwear in bottom of hamper and don flannel pj's tonight

*Naughty-- Traded black bra for equally naughty red one

*Nice-- Will wear a shirt over said bra today

*Naughty-- Have spent lots of time thinking about friends full, lucious, perfect lips...why does he have to be so yummy?!

*Nice-- Reminded myself that my friend smokes ( while my we-were-on-a-break-but-now-we-aren't (?)**husband** always has wonderful, fresh breath) which cuts into the fact that he is a fabulous kisser

*Naughty-- Have asked myself repeatedly would it really be so wrong? Damn, I should have had him teach me that one really delicious trick he knows

*Nice-- Have consistently answered myself with cheating is wrong. Period.

Here's where you come in. Choose a side. Join the little pitch fork wielding devil on my right shoulder or hop on over to the left side with my halo wearing sidekick.... Any and all suggestions as to how I can keep it together for the next 100 or so hours would be much appreciated. I need distractions!!

Here's all I have got so far (some of which are not especially appealing):

*Watch Kill Bill Volumes I & II at the suggestion of my **husband**

*Clean out my so desperately needs it garage

*Return Christmas gifts that were the wrong size, wrong color, or overall, just wrong

*Stop listening to that damn Maroon 5 cd...especially track nine

*Paint my toes a nice pink color

*Stay away from what's left of the Lindt chocolate

*Read The Catcher In The Rye (I haven't yet!)

*Read High Fidelity at Chris's suggestion

This is the part where I feel guilty...

Well, only a little. After all, I'm only thinking out loud, haven't done anything *yet* I received this email tonight.....

Have you seen my wife? I miss her something terrible.
Cute, with strong cheekbones and freckles.
Kissable neck, wry smile. Curvy like a 1950's pin-up
girl. . . If you see her, just tell her. . . I
miss her. . . and I want to make love with her. If
it's not too inconvenient for you.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

So, I have this *ahem* friend.....

Yeehaw! My therapist is in Colorado and I'm on my own. Buckle up, baybee! Oh, so about my friend...she's been separated from her husband for about 10 months now with absolutely no regrets. Felt sure she was making the right decision as they had shared a very bumpy ride over the five plus years they shared with his repeated infidelities topping the lengthy list of reasons why their marriage fell apart.

It was the week before Thanksgiving when he shocked her with his confession of still being madly in love with her and asking her to consider the fact that he is a changed person. He's sent her gorgeous flowers, serenaded her (uh, that was weird), made her dinner, painted beautiful pictures of a future together, bought her a car, promised her fabulous trips, granted her time and space, expressed his newfound devotion to her, etc. etc. I just don't know what to tell her. Part of me thinks that now that she's found herself, really digs herself, that she beleives he sees that too. How could he not be in love with her? That she is so freakin awesome that he would be crazy to, having been given the opportunity to be loved by her, ever even think of cheating again. I'm guessing that the holidays played into her decision making as well. This would have been a very difficult time...the first year spending Christmas as a single mama with two daughters while all the while being surrounded by images of happy, whole families.

As it stands now, they have decided to continue to visit their individual therapists as well as see someone together....couple's counseling. As they stumble back into being a couple, they have haphazardly resumed a sexual relationship. She says there's no fireworks there but hopes thats because it will take lots more time to build trust and intimacy. I'm not so sure.

See, during the separation, she was seeing this friend of hers for a couple of months and the sex was phenomenal. She craved him, he knew how to kiss her, touch her, he wanted her in his arms all night...had to be touching some part of her body while he slept, he was so into her, in a way she could very much recognize. Sex with her ex is not like that and really never was. When he kisses her, there's nothing stirring inside. She wonders if maybe the sex with her husband just wasn't that exciting because, well, he was her husband. All couples get to a place where (especially with kids) they would trade a night of sex for a full eight hours of sleep, right?

The plan is that they will continue to live separately but spend weekends together as a family and carve out niches of time to spend as a couple. She has been promised the best of both worlds....she can have her cake (OK, more like cupcake for those of you who are privy to the inside joke) and eat it too. There is talk of trips to Disneyworld, Hawaii, vacations to CA to visit old friends, and more financial security than she could ever imagine. The only thing she will be giving up in her current lifestyle is dating. And well, frankly, she was never too excited about dating anyway, BUT, well, that brings us to my friend's dilemna in the very much here and now...meaning this week while she's left to her own devices....

She felt she had to do the right thing and be honest with her friend about what was going on. He, as always, was very supportive and wants nothing but her happiness. They haven't seen one another for the past five weeks. She's having a really hard time not calling him right now. She finds herself wishing that they could have one last night of fabulous sex....assuming he would agree to that and that she would somehow find it ok to cheat--because she would be cheating, right? I told her that it doesn't somehow wash that because her ex cheated on her, she could do the same.

She says she doesn't really know what to think...what to hope for...what she really even wants. She's happy for the week or so she's been afforded (her ex is visiting family and has taken her kids along. She's obviously feeling really conflicted...confused, scared, and by indulging in fantasies of calling her friend, I believe that on some level she might be trying to intentionally sabatoge any hopes of a true reconciliation with her ex.

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

Where oh where has lulu been? You might be sorry you asked.....

The Good:

*I finished all papers and finals and left the fall semester behind me with an A and three B's

*I received yet another * bouquet from not so secret admirer...this one was white roses and lilies and just to die for gorgeous

*"Santa" brought me a fully loaded Honda Pilot in red for Christmas

*As of yesterday, I am responsibility free (no kidlets, no school, no studying, no nothing) until January 3rd

*My computer is in somewhat working order

*I am seriously grooving on the cd I found in my stocking...Maroon 5's Songs About Jane It's very sexy

The Bad:

*I was expecting two A's but I guess the B I got in Biology rather than the C I was certain I would get evens it all out

*The not so secret admirer has got me tangled up in knots

*The SUV is somewhat contingent (not really said, but understood) on my deciding to have an exclusive sexual relationship with "Santa"

*As of yesterday, I am responsibility free (no kidlets, no school, no studying, no nothing) until January 3rd *note* this could mean me getting into more trouble than I'm already in....I'll explain later.

*While visiting "Santa's" lair, I stumbled over a letter from a jewelry store that indicated that I might be receiving some diamonds in the near the form of an engagement ring. Can one be engaged to someone who one is separated from?

*My computer crashed big time and I just got it in somewhat working order yesterday

*Isn't Maroon 5 a *gasp* "boy band"?

The Ugly:

*I sorta agreed to the exclusive sexual relationship with "Santa"

*I have spent my first day of freedom baking a cake, whipping up a chicken pot pie, grooming my bikini area, shaving my legs, painting my toes, walking around in nothing but jeans and a black push up bra, eating all the Lindt chocolate icicles that I stole out of my girls stockings (hey, in my defense, good chocolate is wasted on the young...they would gladly trade for Reeses peanut butter cups).....hold on, I gotta go snag another right now....Ok, I'm back...these are so goooood! And since I'm being bad and somewhat ugly right now, I will point out that as they are shaped like icicles they are very phallic and are contributing greatly to my overall feelings of naughtiness. Uh, where was I?

*The admirer is over 2,000 miles away right now and won't be returning until January 3rd

*In some twisted way, I am somewhat excited about the idea of wearing an engagement ring

*I have this friend who, well, I'll just put it another you over there.

Friday, December 03, 2004

For Mature Audiences Only...

So, all this talk about sex and more specifically, "casual" sex as of late has got me to thinking. My friend and I just don't see eye to eye. He says sex is simple and I say it's anything but. I am more than a little turned off that he "approaches sex with each and every partner the exact same way". Wow, now that is sexy. Not. We have agreed to disagree.

I like what Tom Robbins has to say:

"There is lovemaking that is bad for a person, just as there is eating that is bad. That boysenberry cream pie from the Thrift-E Mart may appear inviting, may, in fact, cause all nine hundred taste buds to carol from the tongue, but in the end, the sugars, the additives, the empty calories clog arteries, disrupt cells, generate fat, and rot teeth. Even potentially nourishing foods can be improperly prepared. There are wrong combinations and improper preparations in sex as well. Yes, one must prepare for a fuck-the way an enlightened priest prepares to celebrate mass, the way a great matador prepares for the ring: with intensification, with purification, with a conscious summoning of sacred power. And even that won't work if the ingredients are poorly matched: oysters are delectable, so are strawberries, but mashed together...(?!) Every nutritious sexual recipe calls for at least a pinch of love, and the fucks that rate four-star rankings from both gourmets and health-food nuts use cupfuls. Not that sex should be regarded as therapeutic or to be taken for medicinal purposes-only a dullard would hang such a millstone around the nibbled neck of a lay-but to approach sex carelessly, shallowly, with detachment and without warmth is to dine night after night in erotic greasy spoons. In time, one's palate will become insensitive, one will suffer (without knowing it) emotional malnutrition, the skin of the soul will fester with scurvy, the teeth of the heart will decay. Neither duration nor proclamation of commitment is necessarily the measure-there are ephemeral explosions of passion between strangers that make more erotic sense than many lengthy marriages, there are one-night stands in Jersey City more glorious than six-months affairs in Paris-but finally there is a commitment, however brief; a purity, however threatened; a vulnerability, however concealed; a generosity of spirit, however marbled with need; an honest caring, however singed by lust, that must be present if couplings are to be salubrious and not slow poison." - Still Life With Woodpecker

As a girl who had a seven year marriage to her high school sweetheart, separated and stumbled on love three months later that was an emotional rollercoaster of cohabiting, breaking up and making up to the tune of less than a year, followed by a crash into *the lust of her life that resulted in a pseudo marriage of a year*, and a two month break before finding herself in a year long engagement and a marriage that barely held on for four years, I really don't know what I'm doing out here. It's also obvious that I don't know how to construct a sentence, but more on that later. I'm a serial relationship artist with absolutely no dating experience. I don't know how to play the field and frankly, I'm not interested. When I'm truly hungry, I never crave junk food....I want the real stuff. Is it just me? Am I way off base here?

*see before mentioned friend with the simple outlook