Friday, November 19, 2004

Ouch!



One of the great ironies of the co-parenting schedule that my baby's daddy (that makes me feel so deliciously white trash) and I share is that one of my kid free weekends coincides with the arrival of, all things being right in the world, my period. My friend with benefits is well aware of this and the sabbatical that comes as a result of my feeling very non-sexual during Aunt Flo's visit. Nevertheless, he thinks I have a great personality and still finds the idea of hanging out with me attractive even without the promise of me rocking his world. So we made plans to get together on Saturday evening and watch a movie.

As a result of a very stressful week, Aunt Flo's train was delayed and we were treated to a bonus night. After a fantabulous sleepover, I woke to find that my pal had been awake for some time and was watching me sleep. What the hell??!! He then proceeds to breathe out in a heavy whisper:

"Beautiful"....

me: Don't do that.

him: Don't do what? I said, bowlfull...bowl full of Froot Loops, please...

We laughed it off, but I am more than a little taken aback. I just can't handle this. This....tenderness. He wants to do things like rake my leaves and clean out my garage. Uh, no. He better damn well not be falling in love with me. I do *not* love him. Maybe I have been kidding myself....wanting to believe that it was possible to pull this off. I cannot handle the possibility that I might break someone's heart. I have called a time out. He doesn't know this yet as I'm too much of a coward to tell him...yet. I told him that I was going to have the girls for the next few weeks because my ex is visiting relatives for the holidays. How bad is that?

Sex is complicated--who knew?

Thursday, November 11, 2004

My biggest fan

My 12 yr old daughter has been privy to the ex's attempts at a reconciliation over the last few days and she felt compelled to email me her thoughts tonight...I just don't know *where* she gets it.......

Mom,

You should know by now that you are the coolest mom ever, (god lord my friends even like you) and you also know you are pretty much the best everything in my opinion. So just to let you know, LT is making a good choice in his life to want you back, god who wouldn't?!? you are an awesome mom, you cook really good (heehee) and im pretty darn sure you where an awesome wife.

The thing is, no matter how good it is that LT is realizing how stupid he is, and seeing that you are the greatest thing that ever happened to him, HE DOESEN'T DESERVE YOU. Mom, your supposed to be with someone who will be honest with you, kind to you, romantic, sweet, and someone who in the case of a breakup, won't e-mail you saying they miss the smell of your lotion. [uh, this really did happen, she's not making it up] You are so much better than that idiot, and I hope you never think twice. He wants you back because he can't stand feeling alone, he wants you back because he realizes that right now you control him, (since he "misses" you so much) he wants you back because for the first friggin time in his life, he has to feel self doubt. Now, does that sound as pitiful and puppy dog sweet when you break it down like that??? didn't think so! like I said, HE DOSEN'T DESERVE YOU.

No matter what that will always be the case, I don't care if he suddenly looks like johnny depp, and writes like John Mayer, his idiotic personality, and his boastful opinions of himself will never be worth it.

I can't tell you what to do, I can't tell you to never talk to him again, but I can tell you that if you got back together, I would be calling Jerry Springer by the second week of your realtionship. SERIOUSLY, what does he think, that you guys would get back together and then everything would be okay? That I would just treat him like a step father again? Because if he is, you can tell him I say definatly NO, NADDA, NOT HAPPENING, NO FRIGGIN WAY!!!! Seriously I could never care for him again, you could never feel trusting and everyone in our family would most likely join me in a plot to get all the largest tractors to run his stupid head over!!!


I find it quite stupid that he's trying to win you back by telling you about how good your lotion smells, and making you some gay heart covered cd, now im sorry for using this without talking about the place but, WHAT THE HELL? Ok, im sorry, but I find it appropriate for me to "cuss" when speaking of something so obviously stupid...you know im not sure he even deserves to be cussed at, maybe i'll just spit on him sometime..yeah right in the eye...heheheh. I'm really sorry you had to put up with that freak as long as you did, but at the same time I admire you for not killing him and going to hang with Martha Stuart, I know I would've. Mom just tell him, "I'm tried of all your lame excuses of why i should come back, after all Nothing could make the fact that I could never trust you be ok." see it's that simple, then just spit on him, step on his foot, spray some body lotion in his face, and throw his stupid cd at him.

Mom, the fact of the matter is He's an idiot your not, you choose to be with him again I might re think that but as of now, I think your doing what's right. Love your sidekick in training, K


Did I mention she's only 12???

What does it all mean?

The ex is really putting forth an effort, I'll give him that.

Although he is a really good writer, I have been guilty of reading between the lines and turning what might otherwise have been really beautiful into a cynical, less than romantic sentiment. That being the case, he has instead chose to pull at my heart strings with music.
Although, this is not something new. Our entire courtship revolved around my writing him really awful poetry and him answering in cd's burnt to perfection.

In fact, I remember listening to one compilation non-stop at a time when I was hopelessly infatuated with him. I fantasized that he spent hour upon hour carefully choosing each selection....wanting it to be perfect...deciding that each and every lyric spoke to me, about me, his hopes and dreams for us. Yes, each cd was an ode to lu.

Here's the latest...what do you think he's communicating?

Enveloped in a pink jewel case engraved with a heart:

Remember When It Rained [Josh Groban]
Hallelujah [Jeff Buckley]
Simply Beautiful [Al Green]
I Never [Rilo Kiley]
Dice [Finley Quaye]
Jewels [Alison Krauss and The Cox Family]
I Do [Jude]
Your Love [Eve and Wyclef Jean]
In A Funny Way [Mercury Rev]
Rattlesnake Charm [Sean Hayes]
Into The West [Annie Lennox]
Drive [Ziggy Marley]
Waited Up [The Samples]
Trouble [Coldplay]
Reach Out [The Four Tops]
Prince Caspian [Phish]

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

What fresh, effing hell is this?



As I eagerly await Genuine's advice as to what makes men tick, I find myself mulling over the events of the last few days.October marked my eight month anniversary of being single and I am feeling pretty content with the new life I have created for myself and my kidlets. So I guess the ex took that as his cue to come in and stir things up a bit.

My mommy free weekend came to a close on Sunday evening when he dropped our daughter off. As he came in the front door, he noticed this book on my coffee table.

"Oh, he said with a smile, what do you think of that?"

"I haven't even started it yet"

"It's a pretty provocative read"

"A friend of mine gave it to me and asked that I read it. He says there's a reference to Collinsville, IL".....

Oh, shit. "A friend" "HE" ...great. Nice going, lu.

"Listen, I know now is probably not the best time for us to talk but I need to tell you that I am still very much in love with you and want to be with you"

OK, I find it more than a little suspicious that he professed this to me on the heels of my faux pas seeing as in the whole of the past eight months he has never felt the need to express his undying love. In fact, it was only a few weeks back when we were discussing the details of our divorce-in-progress that he reiterated that he thought we were "doing the right thing."

After I recovered from the initial shock of his revelation, I started doing the math.
A=me
B=boy who's my friend
C=the man who no longer desired to be married

A+B=C's epiphany that I'm the best thing since sliced bread

God help me, I agreed to have a phone conversation with the ex where he profusely rejected the accuracy of my equation. He assured me that he had been for weeks trying to muster the courage to tell me how he truly felt. He said his intuition urged him to "do it now or never"....

That even without me slipping up and referring to my friend as he, he knew something was up as "that's not the kind of book a friend just randomly passes on....it's very sensual and if someone asked you to read it, you can be certain they are interested in being more than friends"...

He says he wanted to wait until more time had past so that I might find the changes he's made in his life since our split more plausible, but he panicked at the realization that "if he waited too long it might be too late."

During the last 48 hours, I have received love letters (The day I’m certain that you and I will never be together again will be the realization of my life’s greatest mistake) , pleas (let's slow down the divorce process) , and promises (I want nothing more than the opportunity to prove to you that I have changed) .

So, was it really an oversight on my part in leaving the book on the table?

If not, what was that about? What were my true motivations?

Why do I feel strangely powerful?

Why do I feel as though I'm kidding myself that I am powerful and that instead, I'm playing with fire?

Oh, and why am I asking you all of this?

Monday, November 08, 2004

Son of a ...

Does anyone else have problems with links in their posts? I don't get why fifty percent of the time I am successful and the rest of the time I suck.

Trying again.....
Genuine


Dear Readers..

A huge thanks goes out to Genuine for sending some much appreciated traffic my way. If by chance you stumbled over here by accident, you will most certainly want to pop over to G's place and check out his stylings. I feel compelled to point out that I am not responsible for writing the eloquent booty call contract but that it was my partner in crime who received it as an email attachment and passed it along to me. I found it so hilarious that I was justly inspired to share it with all of blog land.

Thank you so much for the witty comments and the warm welcome. I am very excited about getting to know each of you better.

Feelin the love,
lulu

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Double Header....pun intended for your pleasure



Booty Call Contract

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over -- unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have anything to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" stuff -- only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e., Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance -- that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted -- money is always good.
8. No baby talk -- however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers -- it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing - I don't want you leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex -- it's over, so get up, get dressed and go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My cousin."
17. Doggie style is the preferred position -- the reason is less eye contact the better.
19. No glove, no love. Go home.
20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
21. No phone use, please -- don't want anyone calling back looking for you.
* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:
The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until you understand the rules.
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________ Date: ________________
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________ Date: ________________

We, myself and the boy who's a friend, have managed to successfully violate several items in the above noted contract. To our defense, we aren't really breaking rule number one, as it really *is* that good. As for number six, we hardly have a choice as I for one have a life and we must schedule our playdates around it.

I am blessed with two weekends a month of time that's all about me, me, me and I have been keeping my commitment to set aside Friday evenings to pamper myself with a pedicure, a long bath, a good read, and some journaling. However, this particular Friday I was feeling spunky and so I called him and we decided to go for a two nighter.

We didn't get much (any) sleep on Friday night and I only felt a little bad about the fact that he had to be up and on his way to work at 7AM Saturday morning. We decided we would both squeeze in a nap before hooking up again at our regularly scheduled time on Saturday evening. The nap didn't happen for either of us and so we found ourselves in bed making like it was a school night. Well, we really did think we were tired and ready for sleep until we got into bed. We woke up at 9am and got out of bed at, ahem, noon. I am exhausted, but in the best kind of way.

Mornings are always a little strange. It's one thing to be letting it all hang out with candlelight and shadow play as your stage but it's just not that sexy when morning rolls around and your sportin pillow face and eye crusties. And isn't it weird that I care?....we lived together for over a year, it's not like he hasn't seen it all before. He finds great humor in the fact that I do care ( as he assures me that I am "beautiful") and that I religiously practice a morning after de-sex-isizing ritual. I first brush my teeth, followed by changing my not-smelling-so-much-like-lavender-anymore sheets, open a window or two, dispose of all "candy wrappers" in the trash can outside, and take a nice, hot shower. What? Doesn't everyone practice something to this effect?

Sex is messy and try as I might, I can't do a clean sweep every time. We made the fatal mistake of communicating what we were thinking before the fog of orgasm had lifted...not to worry, we did not violate number five of the contract by uttering the "L" but we both know we came pretty damn close. Before he left this morning, uh, afternoon, we made our best attempt to push what we could back under the rug. This might not turn out to be as simple as I hoped. Dammit! Why do we have to like each other so much?






Saturday, November 06, 2004

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...





Jay got me to thinking about my status as a suddenly single and I've started weighing in the pros and cons as I find myself an honorary member of the twice divorced club.

Single vs Married:

Being single means I always have to take out the trash. It also means that the trash goes out before it reaches its half-life.

I don't have to shave my legs and with all the money I save on shaving products, our family can afford to go out to a movie once in awhile. Wait, I didn't shave my legs when I was married either.

Being single means I'm solely responsible for managing the finances, meal planning and preparation, shopping, vehicle maintenance, planning and organizing the girls parties and activities, arranging child care when needed, staying home and taking care of sick kids, making and following through with holiday traditions, taking my children to doctor and dentist appointments, laundry, yard work and household chores, making sure their are no monsters underneath beds, killing spiders, washing hair, reading bedtime stories, wiping tears, butts and noses (in no particular order), etc. etc. Wow, whatta ya know, *I* held that same position while being married too....the difference being, with one less person to take care of now that I'm single.

I *never* have to listen to the screetch of basketball player's shoes on the court, the drone of the crowd, someone yelling obscenities in my living room, or some annoying as hell sports announcer.

Being single means my sheets smell like lavender instead of ass.

Being single means a quick wipe of the bathroom sink each morning takes care of toothpaste spittage. No more hair and greasy shaving cream ring around the sink.

On the subject of bathrooms, go ahead, lift my toilet seat up....sparkly, sparkly, sparkly.

Being single means I don't have a mother-in-law.

Being single means saying good riddance to all the freakin wires sprouting from electronics all over our house and no more trying to pass monstrous speakers and subwoofers off as fine furnishings.

Being single means I have to put all the groceries away. It also means that I don't have to stand behind a man stricken with male refrigerator blindness while the milk begins to curdle. What's up with that anyway? Aren't men supposed to be better spatially?

Being single marks the end of the obligatory functions I was to attend in order to make my husband look good.

Being single means I get to send the man home before he can make too much of a mess.









Addendum

Got it!

For the bad boy I'd most like to "do": It's a tie. Congratulations to Dennis Quaid (I'm thinking of his appearance in Bonnie Raitt's video, Something To Talk About. And Matthew McConaughey...he's got the southern accent, the curls, and a smile that melts butter. Hey, I read those tabloids in the checkout lane, so sue me.

I know it's wrong....

Why is it wrong?
1. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all or as I find myself thinking while browsing in Blogland, sometimes thinking out loud and worse, writing it down for the world to see, is a really, really bad idea.

2. Sexual objectification is not a good thing

3. I shouldn't be eavesdropping on other people's conversations

That being said, this is still fun. If you are looking for something that's gonna stick to your ribs, move on. While waiting for class to start, I overheard this:

Boy 1: "Not her. It's the one who always sits in front."

Boy 2: "Oh, yeah. I'd do her."

Oh, please, please let them be talking about me. God knows there is nothing hotter than being pursued by a guy who would readily "do me". Alas, I sit in the center of the room and to my great privilege, directly in front of these two catches.

I figure if banter about who one would "do" is stimulating enough for the everyday conversation between the obviously highly intellectuaized, I can take liberties to muse about it on my blog and ask anyone who reads this to join me in thinking naughty, so not pc thoughts. I mean, really, does People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People sell so well because we as a society have an affinity for aesthetics? Uh, no, it's really, 50 People Most People Would Like To Do.

Putting aside any and all trappings of reality, here is my short list.

In the robbing the cradle category, john mayer I have had a crush on him since he was just a wee one at 22 (I think he's about to celebrate his 27th) ...where, oh where were the boys like this when I was in my twenties???!!

In the do you have to ask why category, lenny kravitz In a word, yum. Of course, I would only be willing to do him in his before the Farrah Fawcett-ized hair days. Lenny, what were you thinking?

In the just gets better with age category, Johnny Depp. Think his appearance on Inside The Actors Studio. Oh, my. I'll admit it is more than a little creepy that my 12 year old and I think the same guy is "hot".

In the someone who's dead now, but you woulda when they were still around, Jim Morrison. This is so about val kilmer in the role as Jim.

In the nothing sexier than a man who can make you laugh category, beck -- I have been a fan all the way back to Loser. Also, vince vaughn-- he looks really, really good in a cowboy hat. One more, (hey, I'm a girl who likes to laugh) owen wilson Again, it's the cowboy hat as worn in Shanghai Noon

In the it's all about the music/lyrics category, rob thomas Not the best pic of Rob and I hate to jump on the bandwagon, but I just.can't.help.it.

In the fictional character category, Louis de Pointe du Lac from Anne Rice's Interview With The Vampire. I know what you are thinking (ok, I don't really) and I am not a huge fan of Brad Pitt who played his character in the film version. It's truly the character....Hamlet as a vampire. Works for me.

In the someone in real life but they don't even know I exist category, a boy I pass in the hallways three days a week. It's all about the tendrils of his slightly wavy hair that just tease the top of his collar, super long eyelashes, full lips, inherited Kurt Cobain's wardrobe, and I don't know what it is but I am a sucker for a boy wearing some Converse. Oh, and he always has that don't bother me, I'm deep in thought look.

I also want to include the bad boy category but couldn't come up with anybody.

Come on and play! You know you want to.


Thursday, November 04, 2004

I Rock, thank you very much....

Good stuff, baybee....

*I rocked in my debate today. Left my class speechless and the professor said I 'd be a hard act to follow

*I'm wearing my f**k me boots today and I feel seeexxxyy

*I'm warming up homemade chicken noodle soup for lunch

*My Lit class was canceled and so I got to come home and blog

*I have got three boxes of unopened Girl Scout cookies calling my name

*I'm having a really good hair day

*After five full on rainy, crappy days, the sun is out!

*I got some goodies I won on ebay today and everthing is as described.

*Earlier this week at my gyno appointment, I weighed in seven pounds lighter than I was six months ago. I think I need to eat more GC cookies.

*I'm officially granting myself forgiveness for missing the cut off date to register to vote. With that forgiveness, I am also allowing myself to be pissed off about the end result even when I'm told I don't have an opinion worthy of being voiced as I did not vote. Obviously, there are plenty of people who did vote that suck worse than I do. No, really....I love what Chris over at http://www.rudecactus.com/archives/000898.html had to say.

*I have got a coupla crushes here in blog land....you know who you are, I blogrolled ya.

*I'm looking forward to a fine, fine weekend. I am commitment free with the exception of reading Othello, the boy who's a friend is putting off deserting to Australia post election to spend Saturday night with me, and my buddies over at Netflix set me up with Farenheit 9/11 and Swimming Pool.

Oh, and I rock.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Masochism anyone?

you do it to yourself you do and that's what really hurts is you do it to yourself just you, you and no-one else you do it to yourself....Radiohead/ JUST

What a sucky week!

Today: Walked the full length of campus in relentless, pouring rain only to have to sit for an hour, drenched, with a puddle forming around my seat as I took a Biology test--- all the while wishing I wasn't agnostic so that I might at least hope for a little supernatural assistance towards a C
* It's supposed to rain like this *all* week.

Tonight: *Let time get away from me and had to feed the girls turkey dogs (EEEWWW!) and Mac n Cheese in order to get K to play rehearsal on time. *I also allowed J to fall asleep on the couch, in front of the tv, in her clothes while I was reading for my Lit class.
*Gotta pull a paper about a *very* minor character in one of Edgar Allan Poe's works outta my ass and hope it doesn't still reek of BS by the time I turn it in

Tomorrow: A visit to the gynecologist is in the works. That's a treat in and of itself but it also means I have to shave my legs yet tonight--

Tomorrow night: Research project. It just gets better and better.

Wednesday: *Prepare for a debate in my Critical Thinking class.
*Take K to the Orthodontist
*Kick myself in the ass repeatedly for missing the cut off date to register to vote by two, yes, count em', two days!

Wednesday evening: Essay due tomorrow morning over material I haven't even glanced at.

Thursday: Might as well visit the old dentist chair while I'm at it.
*A trip to the super center Wal-Mart for a cart full of groceries. Love, love, love that place!



Friday: I get to see the ex. WooHoo!! He will be picking up J in his brand new, fully loaded, Honda Pilot.
"I got a new Pilot. I know that it's the car you really wanted...the one we planned to
buy for you and so I would be willing to sell it to you used a few years down the road if you are interested."

He left out the part about him being ready to sell it when he's ready to upgrade to his Porsche.

The silver lining:

As of Friday night around 7PM, I will transform myself from frantic, single mama, into sexy siren in anticipation of Saturday night. It's really magic what 48 hours can do for a girl. I'll be refreshed and back on top of my game by the time Sunday night rolls around and this week will just seem like a bad dream that I can roll over and forget.

Next week I promise to organize my time more efficiently so that I don't have to take time away from the girls. I promise to feed them nutritious and delicious meals each and every night. J and I will bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies together. Because I missed our snuggling and book reading time tonight, I'll read an extra story each night next week. And I might even squeeze in a little time to shave my legs just because.