Tuesday, October 12, 2004

A point of reference

Just in case you don't recall or weren't privy to the ode to the goddess of the universe:

I'm six months into my separation and about halfway to my divorce and this past week was one of the two times I have talked to my ex. He called over a month ago to apologize and to let me know that he hasn't given up the hope of someday having our family back together. I felt stronger than I ever have in the course of our relationship and told him that no way, no how were there going to be anymore chances given. Well, this last week threw me for a loop when I decided to call him and apologize for my giving him the cold shoulder. I *do* *not* *know* what my motivations were.Well, I guess I sorta do. 1. I have finally slowed down enough(we are unpacked/settled in our new home and the girls and I have gotten to a place where our life is routine) to realize that I'm lonely. 2. I'm terrified of the unknown. Cannot imagine embarking on a new relationship with a "man". 3. I have not had one sexual current coursing through me as a result of depression and anxiety and now that I'm feeling halfway good about myself, I feel like a complete horn dog. 4. I have never stopped missing being a "real" family.We had a long conversation about how our individual therapy sessions were going in which I confessed that I never believed he truly loved me and that I could not understand how he, a medical student on his way to becoming a doctor, super intelligent, well traveled, and handsome could ever be interested in me. We met in a dance club and I told him that very night that I was a divorced mother of one, a college drop out, homeless (living with my ex-husband after breaking up with my boyfriend) and a career waitress. He responded with, "I fell in love with you because you are beautiful, very smart, generous, creative, incredibly hard working, funny, and the best mother I could have ever hoped for my children." I told him that after months of therapy, I can now believe those things but at the beginning of our relationship and thereafter, I could not see it. He started to cry and tell me how happy he was to hear that....it was the thing he wished most of all would happen while we were together. We ended our conversation by sharing some highlights of our separate adventures spent with our daughter. I felt much lighter after the conversation but very, very conflicted. I started to fantasize about our eventually getting back together, overcoming incredible odds, against the advice of our friends and family, to end with us sitting in front of a roaring fire in our cabin in the woods while our children slept peacefully in their beds and the snow fell softly outside. This is a familiar fantasy and so I'm guessing it's just comforting for me to conjure that one up. To top it off, that very same night I had an incredibly sexy dream about us and that brings us back to last night.I have a long lost lover that I have been in touch with off and on and we have had two dates where we just sort of hung out but nothing happened as I was most definitely not in a place to be sexual with anyone. He is a dead end for sure, but the sex was sooooo good between us that I have been thinking that we should try and hook up again and see if anything might happen. He would be a convenient answer to my desire to release some sexual tension but I would feel desperate afterwards, like I used him knowing that I don't have any deeper feelings for him. I have communicated this to him and he admits he still has feelings for me but would not have a problem with only having a sexual relationship/friendship. "Wow, good for you!" Aren't men flexible? Problem is that now I feel as though if we were to get together, I would be "cheating" on my husband. So, I have been struggling with: do I call this guy and have mind blowing sex that would completely erase any and all fantasies of my reuniting with my ex? or do I continue to toy around with the idea of my ex and I starting to date again in the not to distant future?I'm not a church goin gal but I do have an affinity for all things supernatural. I don't like to think that it's just me out here without any help whatsoever. I mean if I am indeed the master of my fate, I have truly done a sucky job up until now and I really don't want to take all the responsibility. I'm often heard saying "Well, everything happens for a reason. There are no accidents in life." Last night was one of those times I found myself hoping for some answers from somewhere or someone. As I was standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth, I asked the higher power to send me a sign.I have begun what looks to be a long time love affair with Anne Lamott. I climbed into bed last night to finish "Operating Instructions" which is a journal of her son's first year and the beginning of her life as a single mother and I came upon this passage:"I can still sense that we are a complete family unit, but sometimes I'm so hungry for a partner, a lover. One thing I know for sure, though, is that when you are hungry, it is an act of wisdom each time you turn down a spoonful if you know that the food is poisoned."Thank you, goddess of the universe, for setting me straight. There will be no booty calls made to the sexy man-child who's a thirty-something cable guy living in his mom's basement. Nor will I make anymore phone calls to my ex to let him know that in spite of everything, I do love him. Instead, I am armed this weekend with a stack of DVD's, a pile of books written by my newest infatuation, and a to-do list topped with "cruise the net for battery operated lovers".


Blogger Give Your Head A Shake said...

Hi there. I came across your blog randomly because I googled that Anne Lamott quote (I used it recently in my own blog.) I think your story is riveting and I hope things are going well for you and your girls.

6:27 AM  

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