Sunday, October 17, 2004



I can still count on one hand the number of times the friend who's a boy who is meeting my needs in a comfortable and safe way for me has slept over. The kissing is the best part. He and I are in sync, we did have a lot of practice that year or so we dated, and he has the best, fullest lips ever. Yum. But... you knew there was gonna be a but. Not a butt. A but. How is it after only four times, I am already bored? Outside of the kissing and this one really extraordinary thing he does that he boasts he learned in Penthouse (hmmm, who knew? Guess they really do read the articles), the sex is just so-so.

I feel really bad but as soon as the fog of orgasm has lifted I find myself wishing him back to his mom's basement. Honestly, I don't know why he doesn't make a break for it as the alternative has been him lying in bed listening to me rant about my soon to be ex husband. He fancies himself something of a rescuer. He's all full of tenderness and whispers of how beautiful I am and declarations of what a moron S is.


I'm pretty sure that the problem lies in the fact that I do not love him. Sex is fun, but I have yet to experience mind blowing sex with someone who couldn't break my heart.

We aren't going to see each other for three weeks in part because the girls and I are going camping with my single mama friend this coming weekend and the following weekend will be full of Halloween festivities. I am thankful for the break as it will give me time to ponder whether or not I really want to continue this fuck buddy relationship. It's painful for me to write that, but it is what it is. I'm feeling just one step above the ex right now, at best, a hypocrite.

Why can't I just be content to be alone until the right man comes along? The one who will be everything that all the other men in my life have not. The one who I will trust with all my heart, the one who will make my heart beat a little bit faster when he walks into a room, he will make promises to me and keep them, he'll love my daughters as much as I do, the one who will laugh at all my jokes and make me laugh too, he will be excited and commited to building a new family, his spirit will soar with me while hiking in the mountains and daydreaming on the beach, he'll love my body just the way it is, he will try his damndest to take away my pain, he'll cry with me, he will make me feel safe,....

Truth is, I know in my heart of hearts that I may be waiting for a very, very long time and in fact, he might not even exist.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lulu!!!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

I don't for ONE SECOND think of your actions with this guy as being anywhere NEAR what S has done in the past & hell, even NOW. NOT EVEN CLOSE! You have a bit of history with him... and I don't think that him helping you realize that you ARE wonderful is harmful for you at this point. If anything, I bet he's helped you have MORE clarity about what you want, and the fact that likely he ain't it.

If he helps give you clarity, well, honor that. Let it just be what it is. Fuck buddy or not! He HAS rescued you at this point, and I am happy he's giving you back something you really needed - - CONFIDENCE!

You ask, "Why can't I just be content to be alone until the right man comes along?"

Is that FAIR to yourself? To expect yourself to be ALL ALONE forever until this dream man comes along?! Many people go thru many relationships until that perfect one comes along. Why should you be expected to just wait for the perfect man when no one else is?

Every woman dreams of that man you describe, and face it, damn few GET THAT MAN. I have a great hubby, as you know, but dammit, he's got his own issues, too! WE ALL DO! But the thing is, I believe firmly in JUST KNOWING when the right man comes along.

With the experience you've had with S & this FB, you are narrowing down what is CRUCIAL in a relationship & what is not.

I'm reading this book about discipline that talks about Basket A issues, Basket B issues, and Basket C issues. Basically Basket A issues are HUGE. VERY important -- for a relationship, it'd be things like HONESTY, TRUST, TRUE LOVE. Basket B are things that are important, need to be paid attention to, but aren't worth a HUGE issue over. Basket C basically are those things not that important.

I've actually sort of thought about these 3 baskets in terms of ALL my relationships in my life lately... is it REALLY that big of a deal that S is so friggin' MESSY? Probably not. Annoying, yes. Worth me saying, "Can you please just throw your clothes INSIDE the basket & not on TOP of it, please?" -- YES! But worth a huge fight? HELL no.

The fact we rarely have time/energy for sex in our own relationship -- is that basket A? Hmmm.... somedays it is!!!! Probably somewhere between A & B, but STILL is important, and we've had some great talks lately about this & are working to make more time for US! My point is, we ALL have our "things." :)

I think both men are helping you decide YOUR Basket A issues... what you NEED TO HAVE in a lasting relationship, what really isn't worth a whole heck of a lot, but is important, and what doesn't friggin' MATTER.

All of it helps you grow as a woman, Lu. ALL OF IT. The good, the bad, the ugly!!!! ALL OF IT.

I worry about you judging your own actions so harshly... criticizing yourself again for "some stupid choice" or whatever. STAND TALL & STRONG, GIRL! You are WORTH something. The FB has helped you realize that! And I hope you're hearing it, too!

Anyway -- stepping down off the soapbox now, but I just hate thinking of you being so hard on YOU. You will make the right choices, and I am confident that at SOME POINT, the perfect person (whether he fits the standards of what you wrote that you desire in a man or NOT!) will come your way.

Till then, I LOVE YOU & I am SO proud of you & your journey.

KNOW THAT!

xo Gwen

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Gwen is right on(what's the name of that discipline book? sounds interesting). I wish I could help you more. I wish I could relate to what you are feeling so I could say the most perfect thing to make you feel better. This is a really hard time right now. Really hard. It's been hard for a long time already, and you've made it. You'll continue to make it and will look back at how incredibly strong you have been. I know we always tell you how strong you are and that there are tons and tons of times you don't feel strong. That doesn't matter. You are. You really are. I just wish you didn't have to be. You'll find the perfect soft spot to fall; I know you will. And I'm too much of a hopeless romantic to think of anything different than that scenario.
I don't see anything wrong with using anyone right now to get to where you need to go. You don't owe anyone anything other than yourself and you have been very clear about that. No guilt. It's not allowed.

I love you!
steph

8:27 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...

What they said.

Also, it sounds like you are having some guilt because it is a relationship of mutual convenience. I totally understand that. But you are not using him, and he is not using you. You are leaning on each other. He cares about you, and will be respectful when you decide you don't want to lean anymore.

If the actual sex isn't rocking your world - that means that you are back to being aware of what works for you. Hooray! That is good. And you are beautiful, and Le Turd is a moron. Talk about a user, shee-yat.

That perfect man you described? He's you. You you you you you. You don't NEED a full blown baggage ridden relationship right now. You need to find your own power, and occasionally have someone practice a little Lu worship/ego etc stroking. When you know your own value and worth as a woman, not as a half of a set but a whole person, you'll be able to select a mate who is whole, too. (Not like Le Turd who needed so much change in his meter that I'm surprised he's not shitting quarters...)

Love you. Enjoy your three week break, and then get used to the idea of sending him home after just making out and the extraordinary thing.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

What they said.

Also, it sounds like you are having some guilt because it is a relationship of mutual convenience. I totally understand that. But you are not using him, and he is not using you. You are leaning on each other. He cares about you, and will be respectful when you decide you don't want to lean anymore.

If the actual sex isn't rocking your world - that means that you are back to being aware of what works for you. Hooray! That is good. And you are beautiful, and Le Turd is a moron. Talk about a user, shee-yat.

That perfect man you described? He's you. You you you you you. You don't NEED a full blown baggage ridden relationship right now. You need to find your own power, and occasionally have someone practice a little Lu worship/ego etc stroking. When you know your own value and worth as a woman, not as a half of a set but a whole person, you'll be able to select a mate who is whole, too. (Not like Le Turd who needed so much change in his meter that I'm surprised he's not shitting quarters...)

Love you. Enjoy your three week break, and then get used to the idea of sending him home after just making out and the extraordinary thing.

8:02 PM  

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