Tuesday, October 26, 2004

He Said, She Said

I went a good two months successfully conversing with the ex in two to three sentences once a week.

Me: What time are you planning to pick up J?

Him: insert sound of fingernails on blackboard to simulate his voice in response

Me: See you then.

As they say, all good things must come to an end, and our conversation went something like this....

Me: What time are you planning to drop J off tomorrow?

Him: blah, blah, blah

Me: Could you drop off the rest of my Christmas stuff when you do show up?

Him: blah, blah, blah

Me: Is there anything else you need from me to complete our divorce paperwork? Seeing how it has been over two months since I dropped everything off and nothing has materialized yet.

Him: I just need to know the details of your Masters program in order to incorporate that into the paperwork

Me: OK, see you tomorrow when you drop off J.

15 minutes later....

Him: I'm calling back because there are some things I wanted to say to you. I know our conversations are always to the point but I wanted you to know that I hope you are happy with the direction things are moving. I still think of you and see all your beauty, all that is good in you and it's just been really emotionally difficult to take the final steps [toward the divorce].

Me: Do you really think in your fantasy of fantasies that there would ever be a chance of us sharing a healthy relationship?

Him: Short pause

Me: interuppting short pause, Because I sure in hell don't. With our past and all the damage that has been done?

Him: No. I'm not saying that I'm backing out. I am still ready to do everything we have agreed upon. It's just that whenever I think about you, it's hard to let go and I...

Me: cutting him off, Realize what an idiot you are?

Him: I just didn't want you to think I was being lazy or that I'm reluctant, I was just trying to be nice.

Me: Why oh why didn't I just stop here??? Nope, had to blurt it out. I am so pissed that because of you I have to be alone for a very, very long time. I'm even more angry that J cries and says she misses her daddy. It is so hard for me to be loving and tender with her when what I really want to do is tell her what an ass her father is and that because of him she has to hurt.

Him: I am only willing to take responsibility for myself. You weren't ready for a relationship long before we met and I wasn't going to be responsible for holding up 1/2 of a healthy relationship.

Me: to myself: shut up! don't say anything else. I wasn't hearing it. Well, I didn't have the issues with my sexuality that I do now. Thanks to you, I have zero trust...who knows, maybe someday I'll be thanking you. Because of you I won't allow myself to be put into a position to be hurt again.

Him: Whatever. This wasn't supposed to be a big deal. I can acknowledge your pain and anger. Can you give me some idea of what time you will be picking up J on Saturday?

Me: Probably around noon or so.

Him: OK

Me: I'll see you when you drop J off tomorrow afternoon.

I swear he has a sensor that goes off indicating that my therapist is out of town. I won't see her for another month. In the meantime, I took the cowardly way out and emailed him:

I wish I had not allowed my own hurt and anger to get the better of me and feel as though I needed to lash out at you for opening up to me. I apologize. I really feel it's in both of our best interest to keep our communications with one another as you described, "to the point." There is truly nothing to be gained from you telling me that you still see all that is good and beautiful in me nor is it productive for me to let you know how much I blame you for my unhappiness and my sense of loss.

We have a life long commitment to our daughter to provide her as healthy and loving an environment as we can and to continue to try and do that as best we can individually. I don't expect any more of you and I hope you will accept that I have nothing more to offer than that on my end.

I don't think you understand how truly devastated I am regarding the failure of our marriage and our broken family. I don't know if there will ever be a time that I will forgive and forget. I don't think it's wrong of me to ask you not to expect that from me.

So now he gets to go to bed tonight knowing that I am alone why he's continued to bed anything that will lay down next to him and that I am unhappy and grieving over losing him. YUCK! Smooth. Real smooth. And here I am blogging about *him*. The crazy thing is that I'm really not unhappy and that each and every time I feel really good and strong, feel as though I can let go of my anger and just see him as an ever present annoyance in the form of J's father, he calls me up to tell me how much he thinks about me and how I'm this and that, and that he's falling all over himself to bring me tidings of joy and happiness. Always making it clear that he doesn't want to be with me, just wants me to know that he recognizes what a treasure I am. WTH???!!! This sucks. Why do I let him continue to manipulate me, why do I make myself out to be such a victim? Why do I feel like a bitch, feel bad for lashing out at him each time he attempts to "be nice"?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, what a friggin' JERK!!!!!!!

I am SO glad you're moving on from him! And I personally am SO glad that you told him how you feel. Regardless of what "power" it gives him to know these things. I love your honesty with this man.

I think he tells you how much he cares about you & realizes how wonderful you are to sort of soften the blow of all the shitty things he did to you... to somehow make himself feel better or look better in the midst of all the evilness.

You don't make yourself out to be the victim, you just want to continually be HONEST with him & stand up for yourself & your daughter. And that is honorable! You aren't a bitch, you're telling it like it is.

I too would have a VERY hard time taking anything he says at face-value. It's like you never will ever again know if you can trust what he says or not... and also wonder about ulterior motives. Jerk! I am so mad at him for all the ways he hurt you....

And seriously, I think it may finally be sinking in to HIM as well... not that he's changing his ways (he's SO not), but at least he's realizing all he did WRONG, which was a helluva lot. :(

I LOVED to hear that he is going to write into the divorce about supporting you thru your education! SUPER! LET THE MAN DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOU! And don't feel a bit of guilt. Just don't. It... HE... is not worth it.

Anyway, I can't imagine the many ups & downs he's created for you... it must be so frustrating. To think it's all behind you & then WHAM! Here it is again.

Probably keeping things "to the point" is the key. Not let any emotion in -- save that for your walks or kickboxing or pillow punching! Don't let him see you "sweat!"

Let him see you as being SO OVER HIM!

Anyway... I love you, girl.

SO much!

xo xo xo Gwen

10:46 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

...grieving over losing HIM? Uh, no.

Losing the idea of what he should have been, perhaps, but not Le Turd His Own Self.

I don't know who told you that you have to take to high road every single time. Or that he wins if you admit you aren't over it yet. I don't know what his "you're so special, but I don't want you" shit is all about, but he sucks. His opinion doesn't matter anymore.

You are alone BY CHOICE. You could have a different man every night of the week and two on Sunday if you wanted. You are taking a journey by yourself right now, and you are calling the shots. He may or may not be alone, but he's still a turd.

love you!

1:36 PM  

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