Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Backpedaling (or how lu got her groove back)

Ahem....so, remember when I was giving my ode to the goddess of the universe for keeping me from calling the totally, completely, no-way-no-how-never-gonna-be relationship material guy? In a particularly weak moment, I sorta flushed her advice right down the toilet and dialed his number after all. I told myself I was just lonely and there was absolutely nothing wrong with calling an old friend and inviting him over for popcorn and a movie. And before he arrived, I asked myself, who sits around with a friend watching movies and eating popcorn without having first shaved their legs, perfectly coiffed their bikini area, performed a full on pedicure, applied perfume to all the right spots, and donned a brand spankin new pair of black panties with a coordinating push up bra? I mean, that's just common courtesy...a given, right? Oh, and because of the ever energy conscience gal I am, I turned out the lights and decided we could easily rely on candlelight and the friendly glow of the television.

After sitting on my couch together and watching our movie, we found ourselves faced with nothing but paid programming on tv and so I felt I had little choice as hostess but to ask if he would mind very much if I kissed him. He thought I'd never ask and we found ourselves tangled up in a make out session that was oh so very high school. I can't believe that I somehow forgot what a fantastic kisser he was.

Oh.My.God. It was so worth the dime!! I got my little world rocked in a great big way and we have been spending the two to three mommy-free nights I have per month together. I had forgotten how good it feels to have healthy, comfortable, safe sex with someone you trust and who is whole and healthy. I feel so empowered to have claimed that back for myself after having it snatched away by my ex and his repeated betrayals and twisted sexuality. Three years is a long time.....

I have my therapist's blessing as she says it is a whole lot healthier to have a transitional relationship with someone who is "tragically flawed" than to get caught up in a head over heels love affair with someone new at this point in my healing process. She and one very dear friend both agree and communicated to me that there is nothing wrong with having my needs met in a way that is comfortable and safe for me.

We are completely honest with one another about what our expectations are or lack thereof and I am just having so much fun right now rediscovering who I am. He and I have remained friends since our break up of some seven years ago and I love that he can still make me laugh, that we genuinely enjoy one another's company, that he likes to cuddle to the point of annoyance, that he is by far the best lover I have ever had and the best part is that he remembers me. He had over a year to learn my body's hows and whys and even with all the time that has past since we were last together, he still knows how to take me there and back as many times as I'm willing.

I'm smart enough to know, and have told him so, that I realize I'm hiding behind him to avoid any new potential relationships because I'm scared to death. Scared of what worse things could be lurking out there, scared of rejection, scared of loving and losing....just scared. I feel safe with him. He's never given me cause to mistrust him and we both recognize that the reasons we broke up back then still remain good reasons for us not to entertain fantasies of getting back together.

For now, my pantry is well stocked with popcorn and I am all about some Netflix!


Blogger Jenny said...

You've got popcorn in your panties? What?

I'm so buying you this shirt:


Love you, my sistah-friend.

9:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say! I'm very happy for you that you are happy. And I love you lots and lots.

and now know why you're too busy to return phone calls... :-)


1:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOOHOO! Lu's got her groove back!

Way to go girlfriend! Have fun!


5:30 PM  

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