Tuesday, October 26, 2004

He Said, She Said

I went a good two months successfully conversing with the ex in two to three sentences once a week.

Me: What time are you planning to pick up J?

Him: insert sound of fingernails on blackboard to simulate his voice in response

Me: See you then.

As they say, all good things must come to an end, and our conversation went something like this....

Me: What time are you planning to drop J off tomorrow?

Him: blah, blah, blah

Me: Could you drop off the rest of my Christmas stuff when you do show up?

Him: blah, blah, blah

Me: Is there anything else you need from me to complete our divorce paperwork? Seeing how it has been over two months since I dropped everything off and nothing has materialized yet.

Him: I just need to know the details of your Masters program in order to incorporate that into the paperwork

Me: OK, see you tomorrow when you drop off J.

15 minutes later....

Him: I'm calling back because there are some things I wanted to say to you. I know our conversations are always to the point but I wanted you to know that I hope you are happy with the direction things are moving. I still think of you and see all your beauty, all that is good in you and it's just been really emotionally difficult to take the final steps [toward the divorce].

Me: Do you really think in your fantasy of fantasies that there would ever be a chance of us sharing a healthy relationship?

Him: Short pause

Me: interuppting short pause, Because I sure in hell don't. With our past and all the damage that has been done?

Him: No. I'm not saying that I'm backing out. I am still ready to do everything we have agreed upon. It's just that whenever I think about you, it's hard to let go and I...

Me: cutting him off, Realize what an idiot you are?

Him: I just didn't want you to think I was being lazy or that I'm reluctant, I was just trying to be nice.

Me: Why oh why didn't I just stop here??? Nope, had to blurt it out. I am so pissed that because of you I have to be alone for a very, very long time. I'm even more angry that J cries and says she misses her daddy. It is so hard for me to be loving and tender with her when what I really want to do is tell her what an ass her father is and that because of him she has to hurt.

Him: I am only willing to take responsibility for myself. You weren't ready for a relationship long before we met and I wasn't going to be responsible for holding up 1/2 of a healthy relationship.

Me: to myself: shut up! don't say anything else. I wasn't hearing it. Well, I didn't have the issues with my sexuality that I do now. Thanks to you, I have zero trust...who knows, maybe someday I'll be thanking you. Because of you I won't allow myself to be put into a position to be hurt again.

Him: Whatever. This wasn't supposed to be a big deal. I can acknowledge your pain and anger. Can you give me some idea of what time you will be picking up J on Saturday?

Me: Probably around noon or so.

Him: OK

Me: I'll see you when you drop J off tomorrow afternoon.

I swear he has a sensor that goes off indicating that my therapist is out of town. I won't see her for another month. In the meantime, I took the cowardly way out and emailed him:

I wish I had not allowed my own hurt and anger to get the better of me and feel as though I needed to lash out at you for opening up to me. I apologize. I really feel it's in both of our best interest to keep our communications with one another as you described, "to the point." There is truly nothing to be gained from you telling me that you still see all that is good and beautiful in me nor is it productive for me to let you know how much I blame you for my unhappiness and my sense of loss.

We have a life long commitment to our daughter to provide her as healthy and loving an environment as we can and to continue to try and do that as best we can individually. I don't expect any more of you and I hope you will accept that I have nothing more to offer than that on my end.

I don't think you understand how truly devastated I am regarding the failure of our marriage and our broken family. I don't know if there will ever be a time that I will forgive and forget. I don't think it's wrong of me to ask you not to expect that from me.

So now he gets to go to bed tonight knowing that I am alone why he's continued to bed anything that will lay down next to him and that I am unhappy and grieving over losing him. YUCK! Smooth. Real smooth. And here I am blogging about *him*. The crazy thing is that I'm really not unhappy and that each and every time I feel really good and strong, feel as though I can let go of my anger and just see him as an ever present annoyance in the form of J's father, he calls me up to tell me how much he thinks about me and how I'm this and that, and that he's falling all over himself to bring me tidings of joy and happiness. Always making it clear that he doesn't want to be with me, just wants me to know that he recognizes what a treasure I am. WTH???!!! This sucks. Why do I let him continue to manipulate me, why do I make myself out to be such a victim? Why do I feel like a bitch, feel bad for lashing out at him each time he attempts to "be nice"?

Sunday, October 17, 2004

I can still count on one hand the number of times the friend who's a boy who is meeting my needs in a comfortable and safe way for me has slept over. The kissing is the best part. He and I are in sync, we did have a lot of practice that year or so we dated, and he has the best, fullest lips ever. Yum. But... you knew there was gonna be a but. Not a butt. A but. How is it after only four times, I am already bored? Outside of the kissing and this one really extraordinary thing he does that he boasts he learned in Penthouse (hmmm, who knew? Guess they really do read the articles), the sex is just so-so.

I feel really bad but as soon as the fog of orgasm has lifted I find myself wishing him back to his mom's basement. Honestly, I don't know why he doesn't make a break for it as the alternative has been him lying in bed listening to me rant about my soon to be ex husband. He fancies himself something of a rescuer. He's all full of tenderness and whispers of how beautiful I am and declarations of what a moron S is.

I'm pretty sure that the problem lies in the fact that I do not love him. Sex is fun, but I have yet to experience mind blowing sex with someone who couldn't break my heart.

We aren't going to see each other for three weeks in part because the girls and I are going camping with my single mama friend this coming weekend and the following weekend will be full of Halloween festivities. I am thankful for the break as it will give me time to ponder whether or not I really want to continue this fuck buddy relationship. It's painful for me to write that, but it is what it is. I'm feeling just one step above the ex right now, at best, a hypocrite.

Why can't I just be content to be alone until the right man comes along? The one who will be everything that all the other men in my life have not. The one who I will trust with all my heart, the one who will make my heart beat a little bit faster when he walks into a room, he will make promises to me and keep them, he'll love my daughters as much as I do, the one who will laugh at all my jokes and make me laugh too, he will be excited and commited to building a new family, his spirit will soar with me while hiking in the mountains and daydreaming on the beach, he'll love my body just the way it is, he will try his damndest to take away my pain, he'll cry with me, he will make me feel safe,....

Truth is, I know in my heart of hearts that I may be waiting for a very, very long time and in fact, he might not even exist.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

A point of reference

Just in case you don't recall or weren't privy to the ode to the goddess of the universe:

I'm six months into my separation and about halfway to my divorce and this past week was one of the two times I have talked to my ex. He called over a month ago to apologize and to let me know that he hasn't given up the hope of someday having our family back together. I felt stronger than I ever have in the course of our relationship and told him that no way, no how were there going to be anymore chances given. Well, this last week threw me for a loop when I decided to call him and apologize for my giving him the cold shoulder. I *do* *not* *know* what my motivations were.Well, I guess I sorta do. 1. I have finally slowed down enough(we are unpacked/settled in our new home and the girls and I have gotten to a place where our life is routine) to realize that I'm lonely. 2. I'm terrified of the unknown. Cannot imagine embarking on a new relationship with a "man". 3. I have not had one sexual current coursing through me as a result of depression and anxiety and now that I'm feeling halfway good about myself, I feel like a complete horn dog. 4. I have never stopped missing being a "real" family.We had a long conversation about how our individual therapy sessions were going in which I confessed that I never believed he truly loved me and that I could not understand how he, a medical student on his way to becoming a doctor, super intelligent, well traveled, and handsome could ever be interested in me. We met in a dance club and I told him that very night that I was a divorced mother of one, a college drop out, homeless (living with my ex-husband after breaking up with my boyfriend) and a career waitress. He responded with, "I fell in love with you because you are beautiful, very smart, generous, creative, incredibly hard working, funny, and the best mother I could have ever hoped for my children." I told him that after months of therapy, I can now believe those things but at the beginning of our relationship and thereafter, I could not see it. He started to cry and tell me how happy he was to hear that....it was the thing he wished most of all would happen while we were together. We ended our conversation by sharing some highlights of our separate adventures spent with our daughter. I felt much lighter after the conversation but very, very conflicted. I started to fantasize about our eventually getting back together, overcoming incredible odds, against the advice of our friends and family, to end with us sitting in front of a roaring fire in our cabin in the woods while our children slept peacefully in their beds and the snow fell softly outside. This is a familiar fantasy and so I'm guessing it's just comforting for me to conjure that one up. To top it off, that very same night I had an incredibly sexy dream about us and that brings us back to last night.I have a long lost lover that I have been in touch with off and on and we have had two dates where we just sort of hung out but nothing happened as I was most definitely not in a place to be sexual with anyone. He is a dead end for sure, but the sex was sooooo good between us that I have been thinking that we should try and hook up again and see if anything might happen. He would be a convenient answer to my desire to release some sexual tension but I would feel desperate afterwards, like I used him knowing that I don't have any deeper feelings for him. I have communicated this to him and he admits he still has feelings for me but would not have a problem with only having a sexual relationship/friendship. "Wow, good for you!" Aren't men flexible? Problem is that now I feel as though if we were to get together, I would be "cheating" on my husband. So, I have been struggling with: do I call this guy and have mind blowing sex that would completely erase any and all fantasies of my reuniting with my ex? or do I continue to toy around with the idea of my ex and I starting to date again in the not to distant future?I'm not a church goin gal but I do have an affinity for all things supernatural. I don't like to think that it's just me out here without any help whatsoever. I mean if I am indeed the master of my fate, I have truly done a sucky job up until now and I really don't want to take all the responsibility. I'm often heard saying "Well, everything happens for a reason. There are no accidents in life." Last night was one of those times I found myself hoping for some answers from somewhere or someone. As I was standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth, I asked the higher power to send me a sign.I have begun what looks to be a long time love affair with Anne Lamott. I climbed into bed last night to finish "Operating Instructions" which is a journal of her son's first year and the beginning of her life as a single mother and I came upon this passage:"I can still sense that we are a complete family unit, but sometimes I'm so hungry for a partner, a lover. One thing I know for sure, though, is that when you are hungry, it is an act of wisdom each time you turn down a spoonful if you know that the food is poisoned."Thank you, goddess of the universe, for setting me straight. There will be no booty calls made to the sexy man-child who's a thirty-something cable guy living in his mom's basement. Nor will I make anymore phone calls to my ex to let him know that in spite of everything, I do love him. Instead, I am armed this weekend with a stack of DVD's, a pile of books written by my newest infatuation, and a to-do list topped with "cruise the net for battery operated lovers".

Backpedaling (or how lu got her groove back)

Ahem....so, remember when I was giving my ode to the goddess of the universe for keeping me from calling the totally, completely, no-way-no-how-never-gonna-be relationship material guy? In a particularly weak moment, I sorta flushed her advice right down the toilet and dialed his number after all. I told myself I was just lonely and there was absolutely nothing wrong with calling an old friend and inviting him over for popcorn and a movie. And before he arrived, I asked myself, who sits around with a friend watching movies and eating popcorn without having first shaved their legs, perfectly coiffed their bikini area, performed a full on pedicure, applied perfume to all the right spots, and donned a brand spankin new pair of black panties with a coordinating push up bra? I mean, that's just common courtesy...a given, right? Oh, and because of the ever energy conscience gal I am, I turned out the lights and decided we could easily rely on candlelight and the friendly glow of the television.

After sitting on my couch together and watching our movie, we found ourselves faced with nothing but paid programming on tv and so I felt I had little choice as hostess but to ask if he would mind very much if I kissed him. He thought I'd never ask and we found ourselves tangled up in a make out session that was oh so very high school. I can't believe that I somehow forgot what a fantastic kisser he was.

Oh.My.God. It was so worth the dime!! I got my little world rocked in a great big way and we have been spending the two to three mommy-free nights I have per month together. I had forgotten how good it feels to have healthy, comfortable, safe sex with someone you trust and who is whole and healthy. I feel so empowered to have claimed that back for myself after having it snatched away by my ex and his repeated betrayals and twisted sexuality. Three years is a long time.....

I have my therapist's blessing as she says it is a whole lot healthier to have a transitional relationship with someone who is "tragically flawed" than to get caught up in a head over heels love affair with someone new at this point in my healing process. She and one very dear friend both agree and communicated to me that there is nothing wrong with having my needs met in a way that is comfortable and safe for me.

We are completely honest with one another about what our expectations are or lack thereof and I am just having so much fun right now rediscovering who I am. He and I have remained friends since our break up of some seven years ago and I love that he can still make me laugh, that we genuinely enjoy one another's company, that he likes to cuddle to the point of annoyance, that he is by far the best lover I have ever had and the best part is that he remembers me. He had over a year to learn my body's hows and whys and even with all the time that has past since we were last together, he still knows how to take me there and back as many times as I'm willing.

I'm smart enough to know, and have told him so, that I realize I'm hiding behind him to avoid any new potential relationships because I'm scared to death. Scared of what worse things could be lurking out there, scared of rejection, scared of loving and losing....just scared. I feel safe with him. He's never given me cause to mistrust him and we both recognize that the reasons we broke up back then still remain good reasons for us not to entertain fantasies of getting back together.

For now, my pantry is well stocked with popcorn and I am all about some Netflix!